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Found on a application for a goverment job
I dont do very good work but i am slow.

A Manager of a towing company is reviewing a potential employee's
application and notices that the man has never worked in towing before.
He says to the man, "For a man with no experience, and little education, you are
certainly asking for a high wage."

He replies,
"I 'm educated enough to understand...
work is much harder when you don't know what you're doing!"


in order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained,through our program of >> >special high intensity training (s.h.i.t.). we are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.  if you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job,please see your supervisor. you will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list.  and our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.  Employees who do not take their S.H.I.T will be placed in departmental employee evaluation program (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T.). those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to employee attitude
training (E.A.T.S.H.I.T.)  Since you supervisor took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they do not have to do S.H.I.T.
anymore, because they are full of S.H.I.T. already.  if you are full of S.H.I.T. you may be interested in job training
others. We can add your name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.) Those are full of
B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T. will get S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to Director of Intensity Programming (D.I.P.S.H.T.) It you have any questions, please direct them to our Head of Training Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T.S.H.I.T.)          Thank You,
Boss in General
Special High Intensity Training

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* Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate? * Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer? * I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. * If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working? * Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking? * Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut? * War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left. * If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman
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An Anagram, as you all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or
rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are
exceptionally clever. Someone out there either has way too much time to
waste and/ or is deadly at Scrabble.

original word when you re-arrange the letters
Dormitory= Dirty Room
Evangelist=Evil's Agent???
Desperation =A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code= Here Come Dots
Slot Machines= Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity= Is No Amity
Mother-in-law =Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms =Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness= Genuine Class
Semolina =Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries= Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point =I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes =That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two =Twelve plus one
Contradiction =Accord not in it
And for the grand finale:
It can be rearranged (with no letters left over, and using each letter
only once) into:

City of Los Angeles

High School Math Proficiency Exam

Name:_____________________ Gang:________________________

1. Duane has an AK47 with a 30 round clip. If he misses 6 out of

10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive by shooting, how many

drive by shootings can he attempt before he has to reload?

2. If Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8 ball to

Jackson for $320 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram, what is

the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?

3. Rufus is pimping for 3 girls. If the price is $65 for each

trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can

pay for his $800 per day crack habit?

4. Jarome wants to cut his 1/2 pound of Heroin to make 20% more

profit. How many ounces of cut will he need?

5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy and $100

for a 4x4. If he has stolen 2 BMW's and 3 4x4's, how many Chevy's

will he have to steal to make $800?

6. Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for

the hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 per month, how

much money will he have left when he gets out of prison and how

many years will he get for killing the bitch that spent his


7. If the average spray paint can covers 22 square feet and the

average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can a tagger

spray with 3 cans of paint?

8. Hector knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in

the gang. What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector

knocked up?

Subject: Fw: Poetry Contest

The National Poetry Contest had come down to

two semifinalists - A Yale graduate and a redneck from Kentucky. They

were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word a come up

with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was


First to recite his poem was the Yale

graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand,

Trekked a lonely caravan,

Men on camels, two by two,

Destination - Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the,

redneck top that, they thought.

The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a huntin went,

Met three whores in a pop up tent,

They was three, and we was two,

So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

One dismal rainy night in London, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving

from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block.

Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the

cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled

away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the

back seat.

"Where to?" he stammered.

"King's Cross," answered the woman.

"You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.

The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are

you looking at driver?"

"Well madam," he answered, "I was just wondering how you'll pay your


The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at

the driver and said, "Does this answer your question?"

Still looking in the mirror, the cabby asked, "Got anything smaller?"



Mike and Maureen landed on Mars after accumulating

enough frequent flier miles. They met a Martian couple

and were talking about all sorts of things. Mike asked

if Mars had a stock market, if they had laptop computers, and how they made money,

Finally, Maureen brought up the subject of sex. "Just

how do you guys do it?" asked Maureen.

The male Martian responded, "Pretty much the way you do."

A discussion ensued, and finally the couples decided

to swap partners for the night. Maureen and the male

Martian went off to a bedroom where the Martian

stripped. Maureen was disappointed to find that he had

a teeny weeny member, about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thi=


"I don't think this is going to work," said Maureen.

"Why?" he asked. "What's the matter?"

"Well," she replied, "it's just not long enough to reach me!"

"No problem," he said, and proceeded to slap his

forehead with his palm. With each slap, his member

grew until it was impressively long.

"Well," she said, "that's quite impressive, but it's

still pretty narrow."

"No problem," he said, and started pulling his ears.

With each pull, his member grew wider and wider.

"Wow!" she exclaimed. They fell into bed and made mad,

passionate love. The next day, the couples joined their

normal partners and went their separate ways. As they

walked along, Mike asked, "Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," said Maureen, "but it was pretty

wonderful. How about you?"

"It was horrible," he replied. "All I got was a terrible headache.

She kept slapping my forehead and

pulling my ears."

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look and saw a 7 -foot grizzly charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder

and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer.

He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God "

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You

Deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and

even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. The bear dropped his right paw, sat back on his haunches, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:

"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty ..thru our lord... Amen."